There are two types of people in this world: those who can afford guacamole, and those who can’t. Me? I’m on the poverty end of that stick. Occasionally, I’ll respond to my burrito extraordinaire with a deep breath, crinkling of the eye brows, then the eventual nod of approval. And as swiftly as the hackneyed “just-get-me-through-college” Chipotle staff member processes my payment through the POS system, the extra $2 for guac disappears from my bank account forever, much to the chagrin of creditors nationwide.

But that’s my bank account. David Price, on the other hand, needs not worry about the inordinate fee of mushed avocado. For those of you who don’t trip over themselves in a panic, stumbling towards a computer every time a free agent acquisition acquiesces a headline, Mr. Price is taking home an astonishing 30 million dollars… per year.

To most of us, $30 mil is an unfathomable number. I have a better chance of being elected to Colorado’s wake boarding hall of fame than I do at ever seeing a fraction of that amount of greenery. Does Price deserve that amount of money? No. Nobody does; with the exception of your Stephen Hawkings and Elon Musks of the modern day. But athletes create revenue, and super stars compound said revenue by ensuring that the Paul Pierce jerseys are being sold in Inglewood, and every ticket being scanned for the seldom seen Bruins playoff tilt. The point is, pro ballers, (example A: David Price) make what they make, and there isn’t a whole lot I can do.

Except blog about it.

Prior to the 2016 baseball season, David was inked to a “wait, how much?!” reaction inducing $210 million pact with the Sox, expected to be the Ace that led our hometown heroes to another frigid, duck boat extravaganza. Instead what he graciously blessed us with since that fateful signing is this:

  • 11 wins per season
  • ERA just below 4.00
  • Career high in WHIP, HR/9, H/9
  • 46 starts, 2 complete games
  • 3 innings of postseason baseball

Sick! So for $60 million over the last two seasons, he’s getting paid $1.3 million per start, nearly $5 million per strikeout, and unofficially $15M per media blowup. That’s guacamole for 30 million burritos; that’s not what we signed up for with this guy. So clearly, he’s a lost hope, right?

Well, let’s not surge to that conclusion just yet. Boston is a phenomenal city with a dedicated fandom, which can take adjusting to. We can reference renaissance artists such as John Lackey, who went from ghastly to grand over the life of his stay, or, in a cross sports reference, Al Horford. It wasn’t until the month of April, and ensuing postseason, that his true value was shown to the loyal Celtic following.

So what does David Price have to do to endear himself to a staunch Red Sox Nation? Personally, I think he’s already begun. Since the Air Force Dumb escapade was leaked to the public, all we’ve seen from Astro’s Dad is a moderately acceptable version of an apology for Dennis Eckersley, and then… silence. Someone, somewhere, convinced David to shut his mouth and he’s obliged. Since the details emerged from the flight spat, there’s been nary an issue from the Price camp. In fact, with the absence of his antics being intertwined with the trading of Eduardo Nunez, and the subsequent major league debut of Rafy Devers, Boston has played its best, winningest baseball of the season. Coincidence? Nay.

Albeit begrudgingly, upon his activation from the disabled list on Thursday, the Nashville native accepted his delegation to an already stacked Boston bullpen, entirely without coincidence. I’ll be the first to admit, as tiresome as I’ve grown of his shenanigans, I expect him to be a major asset out of the pen down the stretch, and likely as an ALDS contributor. Which, would lead to the third step in revitalizing Price’s Red Sox career: delivering on the mound.

It may not be his cup of tea, or what Sox ownership had in mind when penning him to a 7 year agreement, but at this point, just give us something. Anything. A bases loaded 8th inning punch out, a 5 inning postseason win, or whatever the 6’5″ lefty can muster for the benefit of his career, as well as Boston’s chances at the unfurling of a World Series banner. A banner that doesn’t instigate racial tensions that we’ve already experienced one too many times this season.

David, you can afford your guacamole. Now start earning it.